I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
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