she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
