I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
