I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
