I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
