I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
