I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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