I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
