so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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