my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
