The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
