Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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