I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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