You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
