You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
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