She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
