I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Semen is not good for contacts.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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