so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
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