hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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