Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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