thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
