I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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