Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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