so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
