I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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