I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
