Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
My pussy is not your playground.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
