Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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