I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
