Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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