Swine flu. Run for my life!
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
