Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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