You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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