I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
You have to summon your inner elephant
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
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