So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
