I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
