i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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