are you still at the devil's house?
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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