Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
