I never want to see another naked old woman again.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
