My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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