I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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