He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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