I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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