New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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