I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
