i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
