I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
