My underwear smells like fireworks.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
