that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I just forgot I was standing up.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
