did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
