meet me or not, i'm out of control
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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