I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
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