were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
