I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
